To Be Honest
I have grown increasingly aware of how short life is. For my older readers, yes I am only 31 years old. For those who are the same age, I wonder if you feel the same way. I constantly think about how much longer I have. About how I can go about making each day count. What can I do to appreciate things more? How can I be more considerate to others? How can I be more patient with my children and still give time to myself. I feel like I am in a constant tug-of-war. I need to give my children everything, but need to give myself some time as well. As I sit here and type this, my children are in their bedroom playing with blocks building a "booming canon" or a "party place for Little Mermaid". They are constantly asking me to go in there and approve of their structures and yet I just want to get my words out - just twenty minutes for ME. This is a constant thing. I am either spending all my time with them or doing things for them. At the moment, there is nothing that I am doing for MYSELF. I am finding that I am becoming frustrated more easily and not practicing all the qualities that I feel would make me a better person or give my short life meaning. This is where I feel my days are becoming mundane and ordinary and I started to loose my grip on how precious life is. I don't like that feeling.
My job at the moment is being a full time stay-at-home-mom. I NEVER thought that this would be me. I am not complaining, I am just simply stating a fact. I always thought I would be in a gallery or museum studying art or possibly making it. Now I am here. 2600 miles away from every piece of my family. To be honest, I am sad. I miss my home more than I did when I was in Taiwan. At least there I have opportunities to adventure. To be carefree. Adventures are limited at the moment. Toddlers don't want to eat weird foods and wander aimlessly for hours. They need structure and guidance constantly. I signed up for this. I know that. I love them and feel such happiness when I watch them play and learn and love. I don't want anyone thinking that I am regretting anything or feel negatively about my children. That is simply not the case. I am struggling right now. I am trying to find a happy middle between giving my children what they need and giving myself the opportunity to get what I need. And right now, there is no middle. It is very one sided at the moment.
I want my babes to be independent and to be their own individuals. I don't want them to feel pressure from me to be someone specific. I want them to see that I too am independent and that I am different from them and they are different from each other. I want them to be comfortable being who they are and liking what they like. Sometimes I feel that because I spend so much time on them and with them that I am hindering their ability to find their own individuality. It seems that there is a fine line between GUIDING our children and DOING it for them. I think this might be the hardest part about parenting. I just wish there was a manual for all of this. I'm sure if there were, I'd still miss a step or misunderstand the instructions.
At the end of the day, this is all just a phase. This will not last forever. I know that I am somehow ruining my children (as I am sure we all are), and I just need to be willing to go with the flow. Life is a beautiful mess and I want to make sure that I feel every minute of it. No matter how difficult it gets, or how sad I feel, I just want to end my life knowing that I did my best and that I got the most out of it.
Until next time, namaste.